Q&A & SS

my horoscope for the day:

"If the answer hasn't come to you yet, it's time to go in search of it. You'll find it if you look.."

wat if i dnt even kno wat the question is? how will i kno wat to look for? and even if i go searching? how will i kno where to look? and how will i kno when i haf found it?

on another random note, read this:

(from ask sam! - sydney morning herald blogs)

Finding that "special someone" - just a myth?

A few years ago I started to notice something going awry on Planet Singleton. It wasn't the proliferation of the new booty-call buddy systems, text-dumping or dating-in-the-dark parties that was getting my g-string in a knot (although they did give plenty of fodder for this column).

Rather I'm talking the fact that, when I started to ask singles what the heck they're still searching for, they often answered with the same deflated response: "I'm still waiting for that someone special" ...

Somewhere along the lines, the meaning of a good relationship got lost in translation. Instead of hankering after a meaningful, long-lasting union that took time, effort and tolerance to cultivate, singletons seemed to switch gears and be told that they should be after that magical concept of "someone special'' (SS), who may or may not exist in real life.

Hence instead of being happy with their lot, or settling with someone who ticks most of their boxes, many still spend their lives searching, searching, searching for that SS who is going to whip them off their feet ... and spend a tad too many depressing years doing so.

A case in point is my marketing manager friend Tom who, after dating his new girlfriend for about four months, which is a pretty long time by Tom's standards, suddenly decided she was just not "special'' enough for him.

When I asked him what in the world was wrong with his six-foot blonde (and smart to boot) girlfriend, he said that she had so many flaws he simply couldn't look past them.

"She can be so rude sometimes. And we don't share the same view of the world. I need someone who is going to be my best friend and my lover.''

Ah yes, a few arguments over where to go for lunch or why he stayed out so late on a Saturday night when he was meant to be seeing her and suddenly she's no longer worthy of relationship status.

"So do you think you're going to find that person?'' I asked him.

"Of course!'' he said, before adding that he just needed to go onto the internet and a million women would be there waiting to meet him.

At least that's what he thinks.

When I ask my recently married personal trainer friend, he told me that the SS theory was a bunch of codswallop.

"Someone special lasts for about three minutes of sex and then it's real life from then on in. Plus how long does someone special actually last? Certainly not forever.''

Of course when you're traipsing through the dating jungle in search of that someone special, we don't ever think it's going to last only a measly three minutes.

Instead, many whole-heartedly believe that their SS is just going to appear from thin air with no flaws, quips, emotional baggage, character issues, wrinkles, lines, cellulite or anything much that denotes the person is actually human, and not a genetically programmed designed specimen created on their latest techno-gadget.

And while we're all taught not to settle for anyone but the best and are encouraged not to worry about being single because someone will always come along, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, author of Kosher Sex and a relationships expert, has an interesting theory.

By his reckoning, it's attitudes like my friend Tom's that's the big problem.

Why do we all think we need someone so special when we're not so special ourselves?

He tells Afterword Magazine this typical story:

"I asked this guy, who's dated 200 women, why he's not married yet. He gave me the typical response: `I haven't yet met the right person. I want someone really special.'

"I said, 'Do you realise what you're saying? Only 1 per cent of the population is really special. 99 per cent of people are ordinary. You're part of the 99 per cent!'

"We don't realise these dumb statements like, 'I haven't met the right person.' Garbage! There are tons of people. There's something inside you that won't allow you to fall in love. Stop blaming the people. It's you!''

How do you know when you meet your SS?

When asked by the writer if you feel sparks immediately, Boteach says the answer is a resounding no.

"Have you ever heard of anyone falling in love with a job before they start doing the job? This kind of immediate gratification has no longevity. It never lasts. Putting work into the relationship actually has its reward.''

Instead, he blames the fast-moving way we date today on why we haven't been able to cultivate more long-lasting relationships.

"The way we date today is we date with no scruples and we end the relationship with no scruples. You meet someone through a friend, or you meet them, and they satisfy the basic criteria for someone who I think I could have a relationship with. Meaning that they're honest, they're attractive to me, they're kind, they listen well - great. Now I'll put time and effort into this relationship. This is why I tell people: 'Don't do the immediate dating and immediate stop-dating thing. Be perhaps more discerning about who you date, and then when you do decide to date someone, give them three or four dates.'

"And when people listen to me - the few that do - they usually find that someone who they never thought they'd be interested in after two dates, they ended up being interested in.''

And when it comes to women?

Boteach says this: "This is especially true of women. Women employ two primary criteria in dating. Confidence in a man is one, and a sense of humour in a man is the other, with listening being the third. Often, it takes more time for a guy to be more comfortable on a date. The first date he might be fumbling, he might not be as funny, might not be as confident. But by the second or third date, he's come into his own and he's like a mature wine.''

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i used to strongly believe in this idea but i dnt believe it anymore..for me to believe in a SS, it would mean this SS would have to think i'm his SS..and the likelihood of dat is pretty low..

i still believe dat there can be sparks in any relationship..but i dnt think dat each of us have our own special soulmates out there who are meant only for us..it's not feasible..wat happens if that soulmate dies early? wat happens if the timing is just really wrong? sometimes people just end up with the person they're with due to pure luck..it's like when u need to pair up for games or projects, u usually pair up with the person dat happens to be close by..

the soulmate idea appealed to me in my younger days but not anymore..i haf aunties who never got married..does dat mean they were not meant to be with someone? does dat mean they dnt have soulmates? maybe like wat the blog said, ppl give up a good thing in order to find their SS..maybe at the end of the day, SSs dnt exist..people only become SS if u make them special..