one of those days

i had one of those days where things just continually turned to shit for me. ive been feeling quite suffocated recently with restrictions and feeling quite out of control of my life, especially with the latest illness issue. i kno i shuld leave my worries to the big man up there but still, im just feeling this sense of hopelessness and feeling a little lost and wanting to give up.

and ytd, i was reminded of something painful from my past and it came from someone totally unexpected. i thot i was ok but everything came crashing down when nite came. my thoughts and emotions spiralled out of control when i was lying in bed thinking abt why my day was so shit.

i deal with my frustrations and negative emotions differently. very rarely, i would vent it out in the open and be angry, which would either cause other ppl to get angry and upset and defensive or cause them to be scared of me. sometimes, i cant help but end up bursting into tears i.e. being a crybaby and i always think this causes ppl to think im weak and highly emotional and highly strung. also not a good thing. cos ppl then start gossiping abt how u reacted, whether u were such a crybaby or whether u were so OTT and needed a chill pill. wat i do most of the time is to internalise things and completely shut down. usually ppl end up leaving me alone or the more sensitive ones take me aside and at least ask if im ok. and usually i do say im ok. but am i really ok? i dont wanna worry ppl and i dont want ppl to judge me either. at the end of the day, i think the only way i am able to effectively vent is to write it out. i think dats why most of my blog entries are so emo and so negative.

but anyways eventually i will get over watever it is dat upset me. but seriously hating my life rite now. fml.