alone but lucky

i had a bit of a mini breakdown last nite.

everything in life just got to me. the work i have to complete, my current status in life, job applications, my future, things to prepare for grad, it all seemed to overwhelm me and then something just triggered everything off and i was feeling frustrated with myself. demotivated. to the point where i was grouchy and wanted to scream. it was a moment of depression. i laid in bed feeling angsty and thinking abt my life and the things dat sucked in it. and then i just broke down. but i couldn't even cry a good cry cos i was too cold in bed. i felt so alone at dat point in time. sometimes i feel like letting everything out. confide into someone who wouldn't judge me or put me down. reveal my true self and let down my strong front. it gets tiring trying to be strong all the time, trying to prove to myself dat i can do it all. and then everything gets to me and i realise im not as strong as i think i am. sometimes i wish i could lean on someone and just cry my sorry heart out. but it would mean showing my flaws, my weaknesses, my failures. and would people still be my fren if they knew? who knows. i cant even use this blog as an outlet since it's so public. im venting but it's usually a minimised version of how i truly feel inside. wat u see on the blog has been edited. sometimes i can only tell everything to God cos im scared of wat other ppl mite say. isn't it funny how i try so hard to not care abt being judged but actually deep down im scared of wat ppl think of me? ive made mistakes, ive made bad choices, i continue to make them. it's hard making decisions. it's hard being an adult with responsibility.

and then there are days like today which was a good day. today reminded me of why i chose my career path. i actually enjoyed working. i think im a natural workaholic despite my tendency to love sleep and holidays. if im at work, id rather be busy than be free doing nothing, leaving me time to think. and then i saw a woman with depression and realise i'm still really lucky. my life may not be perfect but techinically i cant complain. i'm healthy and i have my whole life ahead of me. why do i get so down sometimes? i dunno. sometimes it's my moments of weakness, sometimes it's unexplainable. but i just have to remind myself of how i came to this stage and realise dat ive come a long way.