guys who cheat = jerks

recently ive heard stories abt horrible guys. to be more specific, guys who cheat. not on their exams, but on girls. altho the type dat cheats in exams are not cool either.

im not a big fan of guys who cheat. one story i heard was a guy who was on a break with his gf and then got close to one of her close frens, then the gf wanted him back, then he ended things off with the close fren, then the gf found out, then ended things again, then he ended up again with the close fren. complicated love triangle. sigh.

another story i heard was a guy who was with someone for ages, then he asked another girl out. luckily the girl was smart enuf to reject him. and he only broke up with his gf months later. the idiot wasted the girl's youth. sigh.

another story is this guy who was with someone for ages as well, then got close to one of her frens, then broke up with the gf cos he got too close to the fren. sigh.

a guy who cheats is not cool. wat's up with dat? why do they even cheat in the first place? obviously something in their current relationship is off. either dat or they have wandering eyes. or they r just jerks.

personally, i don't think ive ever been cheated on but then again, guess i wont kno for sure? would i rather kno if my bf is cheating? depends on the situation i spose. like if it was a one off mistake, then yea maybe id rather not kno. but then if he was in love with the 3rd party, then yea i would wanna kno so i can move on to someone better who actually deserves me. and also, i always think it's better to hear it from the guy themselves than to find out from another person. to find out from someone else and then having to confront the guy is definitely rough. sometimes honesty is really the best policy.

and would i forgive my bf? i really dunno. ive never been in dat situation to kno for sure. sometimes id like to think i can be the better person and forgive him, esp if he totally regrets it. but then im sure i would bring it up all the time in arguments, cos dats just my kind of character. but then wat if i was married to the guy? and had kids? would i be willing to go for a divorce? hmm pretty rough, i dont wanna put my kids thru the psychological aspects of a parental divorce. and being a female divorcee is still kinda stigmatised..esp in asian society.

i was talking abt this with my mum a while back as well, discussing wat would happen if i found out my husband cheated. think it came up from watching tv. and i said the first thing i would do is get checked out medically for fear of an STI. my mum laughed and said medical ppl think of different things. haha. guess dats my biggest fear, to catch HIV from my husband's mistake. dat would suck.

but then wat if u're the 3rd party? would it be any different? i guess it sucks to be the 3rd party as well cos technically, u're never quite no 1 but u're no 2. unless he breaks it off with his gf/wife to be with u. but then there will always be the fear dat he will leave u for no 3? a guy who cheats on someone to be with u may cheat on u in the future for someone else. dats my philosophy anyways.

thus guys who cheat are jerks. either way, they dont respect either women. they take their gf/wife for granted and disrespects her by lying to her. and they obviously dont respect the 3rd party either since they havent completely broken off their relationship with their gf/wife. so i always think dat in a cheating relationship, it's always the fault of the person who cheats. yea some ppl may accuse the 3rd party of "tempting" the cheater, but at the end of the day, it's the person's responsibility not to fall to "temptation", esp if they are committed in their relationship. if they are not committed enuf, then why r they in dat relationship in the first place???

i leave u with this blog entry i read from sam in the city.

Can couples overcome infidelity?

"Is it possible for a relationship to overcome infidelity? My boyfriend and I were together for four years, and he cheated on me once. We began dating when we were quite young and he said the reason he did it was that he felt that he missed out on dating and being young and single. So we broke up to date/sleep around. We both still love each other and want to get back together. Is it possible to overcome cheating? Is it needed to see whether the grass is greener on the other side while we are young before deciding if we are right for each other?" - Laney.

When I first released this topic into cyberspace, I initially thought that there'd be equal arguments on both sides of the fence. But it seems I was horribly mistaken. Most of the feedback I've received so far has been negative towards the cheater, while the cheaters themselves are usually the ones who beg for forgiveness and wholeheartedly believe the relationship can actually stand the test of the infidelity.

"No such luck," say the ones who've experienced the wrath of being cheated on. "No chance in hell"...

One woman, who recently discovered her boyfriend was doing the dirty behind her back, described the feeling to me like "being stabbed in the stomach". And to make matters worse, when she confronted the cheater, his reaction to the whole debacle was one of sheer nonchalance. No apology. No emotional response. Instead, a smirk and a goodbye was all he was man enough to offer up.

While I wondered how the heck he could have reacted in such a callous manner when they had such a history together, she explained it like this: "He didn't think he would get caught. So when he did, it was like he was sort of relieved he no longer had to commit." Ouch.

The unfortunate part of this story is that, in this case, she was actually prepared to forgive the cad and make a proper attempt to smooth things over. But the fact that he showed no remorse whatsoever forced her out of his life for good.

But, playing devil's advocate here for just a moment, if he was indeed apologetic and wanted to make amends, as Laney is attempting to do, can a couple really survive infidelity?

I profiled a bunch of people on both sides in attempt to garner some answers ...

The Cheated on
Dave, 28.
Answer: No.

"I was dating a girl for two years and we had constantly been fighting. I asked for a break and then, two days later, went back to her and said I was wrong and wanted to be together and she agreed.

The next weekend I was out of town and she cheated on me with a guy who was very similar looking. I didn't know about it. When I came back into town, she said she had re-thought things and we should break up.

Two months later she come back to me and told me she had slept with another guy that weekend and she had been seeing him for the past two months but that it was over because she loved me.

We tried to work it out over the next five years!! It was that on/off bullshit, but it was not the same. I would have married that girl, but I know myself and I know I could never live a life with someone who did that to me. It is the ultimate show of disrespect, a humiliation that you always remember.

We are friends now, but the love has faded. The cheating is what broke us. Had that not happened I truly think we would be together.

It's about choices. No one accidentally cheats. Every time you betray someone you make a CHOICE to do it. That is what hurts the most. It's a very conscious and purposeful thing to hurt someone. No excuse for that."

The Cheater
Jasmine, 30.
Answer: Yes.

"My relationship has survived infidelity (mine). I think there is a lot more to it than the normal debate about being 'dissatisfied' or seeking an 'out' from the relationship. Also infidelity can happen early in the piece when the relationship is not secure and there are more psychological issues at play.

I won't say it's easy but we've recovered and are nearing four years together since then. It can definitely work out if both people are willing to put in the work to make it right.

I was in a rut - around after 18 months of dating maybe - and we really should have broken up or at least spent time not living together.

I won't make excuses, but I did it because I was really unhappy - more with myself than with the relationship. I cheated instead of doing what I should have, which was to reclaim my independence (and his). Domestic living is very stifling. What happened was I ended up sleeping with an old friend from uni. Looking back, it wasn't him I wanted but the freedom I used to have from when I knew him.

I don't think he has ever completely forgiven me, but he doesn't use it against me as much any more. I still think we'll need some couples' counselling. I guess he has to decide to stop punishing me, or leave me, that's what it comes down to - if it's worth working on or not. And I know he thinks it is.

Moving apart was the best thing we ever did. He tried out other girls, we basically revived the excitement of proper dating and the honeymoon feeling of the first few months of our relationship. I won't say it cured the cheating thing but it was probably what we needed anyway.

Any relationship can survive it if the love is strong enough, I guess. Once we said to each other out loud that what we had was too good to give up on, well it made things easier somehow, more secure.

The Cheater
Janice, 29
Answer: Hopeful

"The affair started in January 2007 after suffering so long from no sexual contact with my husband.

Don't get me wrong. My husband is a loving man, he just works so much and I was missing that closeness in our marriage. Around the same time, a male friend of mine was going through something along the same lines as me. The only difference was his wife wasn't interested in sex at all.

So the affair began. We were giving each other the physical contact we weren't getting from our partners. We'd be friends for [a long time] so there was no shyness between us. While it wasn't happening every day, it was happening a few times a month and that was enough to have that contact I was missing out on.

It was two months ago that the whole thing came out in the open. His wife blamed me for everything and called me every name under the sun. I also had to battle the names my husband was hurling at me.

My marriage has been tough since all this came out in the open but now we are slowly rebuilding the strong marriage we once had. I know I'm at fault for my share in the infidelity and I've admitted that.

In time my husband and I will get back to where we once were but now I look back on it all I wish to God I never did it because the man I married eight years ago is different towards me. I just hope one day I will have that man back again and I know I have a lot to do to get him back!"

The Life Coach
Alina B, 27
Answer: Yes

"I definitely think couples can work through infidelity. I've seen it happen with many clients and friends. But it's the way that you go about it that will be paramount to the decision.

The key is to know that infidelity is a cause of something that is going on in the relationship. One person is obviously feeling trapped or that their needs aren't being met.

If you are the one who has been cheated on, and you are big enough to understand why they did it without taking it personally, then you can resolve the issue.

The mistake many people make when it comes to infidelity is that they take it personally. They wonder: 'How could this person have done it to me?' But it's not as black and white.

Alina's steps to overcoming infidelity:

* Do you love each other? Focus on that love and remain open even if you are hurting.
* Don't be the victim. Try to understand why they did it and take responsibility for the role you played in it.
* Talk it out - see if you can deal with the root of the problem. Maybe they were feeling neglected. Maybe they were feeling trapped. Know that people need to get their needs met and work on how you can start to meet these needs."