not "happening"

i must be a loser..for the past few wks, everyday when i come home, i turn on my laptop and do my routine of checking emails, replying emails, checking facebook, opening RC, opening msn, check the blog, check the weather, read blogs, etc, etc..eat dinner..back to the internet..read a bit of novels and then sleep.

today is guy fawkes day. day of fireworks. and im here at home..doing my same old routine..while i hear fireworks going off outside. so sad. out comes the self pity and tears..nah..just kidding..

but seriously is there something wrong with me? im 23 and the funny thing is when i was young and planning my future, i thot being in my early twenties would be so much fun, the adult life, going out and being very "happening"..it's interesting how reality is so far from expectations..i still remain a nerd and no, i havent become "happening" over the last 10 years. far from it.

i was quite a sad kid growing up. ive had long term issues of insecurity and thinking dat nobody likes me. it's ok when u're in kindergarten but i became more aware of it in primary school. there was an occasion where one of the pretty girls was holding a birthday swimming party at a clubhouse and quite a lot of my frens were invited but i wasn't..i was naturally devastated but i did the one thing i regret doing. which was to gatecrash the party. well sort of. this clubhouse is open to the public and since i knew exactly when the party was going to be held, i begged my parents to go to the clubhouse on the particular day. and obviously i saw all of them there. and i was running ard trying to fit in. i feel sorry for myself everytime i think back to this day. if i were my parents, i would think my kid is kinda sad..

and then when we moved to new zealand, i struggled for the first 6 mths trying to fit in to a new place, a new culture, a new system. i cried a lot in my first year here. i was definitely a crybaby in school. it was so bad dat i had to talk to my teacher abt it, bursting into tears in front of her. i even went to see the school counsellor. abt my friendship problems or i shuld say lack of friendship problems. i felt dat nobody liked me. dat i had no friends. school camp was hard becos we had to pick 3 friends to bunk with and somehow i ended up bunking with one of them who i think didnt actually pick me. hmm..this sounds depressing. but eventually i did find a niche of friends thankfully and im still close with a select few. and then growing up as young adults, we went to parties and im naturally lazy, so i like to sit down. i always remember one of my friends who always tells me off for sitting down, dat it's not cool to sit, it's cooler to stand. hmm maybe. but i was still lazy. haha.

uni was also difficult. my first year had its ups and downs. living away from home, brand new environment. i stayed in a hall where i clicked more with the 2nd years than the 1st years and dat was hard. i told myself to toughen up and try and make new frens. i would sit at random places in lectures and talk to random ppl. dat actually did work. haha surprisingly. but again, it was tough cos i was homesick and not used to it all. eventually i found my footing. gained close friendships all while having fun. some of them im still close with, some of them im not so close with but at least i still hold the fun memories.

and now as im closing in on my uni chapter, im kinda dreading wat working life will be like. having to meet new ppl and gain new friendships or building on current friendships.

ive never been the popular girl throughout my life. but still, dats ok. am i the girl who's "happening" and surrounded by friends? going to parties and making everyone laugh? well, no, not really. i think i end up being more of a wallflower. sitting by the sideline wishing for those things but in the end, it's not really my personality to be daring to do those things or i shuld say it's not really my personality to be dat kind of person, like a social butterfly. instead, im more of the camouflaging moth. hmm..soo gross. haha.